


(Close my eyes and) Feel my Chest Beating Like Thunder

by asexualjuliet



Series: Ace of Spades [5]
Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Luke Patterson, Asexuality, Coming Out, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Panic Attacks, Queer Characters, god i love him so much, i just think he’s neat, working title for this was “ace luke ace luke ace luke”
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:42:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27678919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asexualjuliet/pseuds/asexualjuliet
Summary: “I don’t want to have sex,” Luke says quietly.“That’s fine,” Alex tells him. “We’re still young. We’re not—”“Ever,” Luke adds, voice shaky. “I don’t want—I don’t want to have sex ever.”Or, Luke comes out.
Relationships: Alex & Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms)
Series: Ace of Spades [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1578973
Comments: 30
Kudos: 221
Collections: oh YES





	(Close my eyes and) Feel my Chest Beating Like Thunder

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Ace Luke is near and dear to my heart. fr ace Luke has been on my “The specific-ass things I am projecting onto the JatP boys” list for a month... god I love him so much
> 
> Anyway I love him and this morning I saw soemthingsparkly’s ace Luke ficlet on tumblr and immediately went oh god... i Must write something.
> 
> Also the ONLY reason Alex isn’t ace in this fic too is for Plot Reasons. He’s my comfort character you really think I’d let him go free without an ace headcanon??
> 
> Thank you to broadway_hufflepuff for beta-ing and being an overall sweetheart. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Luke doesn’t really remember leaving his girlfriend’s house. Everything’s kind of a blur. 

But somehow, he finds himself on Alex’s doorstep, heart pounding in his chest, so loudly he can actually hear it. 

He hears the doorknob turn and the hinges creak before he comes face to face with his best friend. 

“Hey,” Alex says softly. “Hey, you okay?”

He’s not. But he can’t seem to form the words, and he’s dizzy and nauseous and feels like  _ shit,  _ and all he can do is shake his head and let the tears spill from his eyes. 

_ “Hey,”  _ Alex says, voice gentle. “Hey, c’mere, come inside. Shit, man, it’s okay. Come here.”

Luke finds himself being led into Alex’s house and ushered onto a couch in the living room. 

“I don’t know what’s happening,” he says, more tears slipping out of his eyes. He’s shaking now, his whole body trembling. “Shit, Alex, I don’t—”

He’s cut off by a sob, ripping its way through his chest. “Shit, _ Alex—” _

“Hey,” Alex says, worry written all over his face as he puts an arm around Luke’s shoulder and rubs gentle circles into his skin with his thumb. “Hey, shh, it’s okay. You’re gonna be okay. You’re just—you’re having a panic attack, okay? Just breathe.”

“I don’t get those,” Luke says, voice shaky. 

Alex shrugs. “There’s a first time for everything,” he says. 

Luke lets out another sob, and Alex lets him lean his head against his shoulder. 

“I got you,” he says, rubbing Luke’s back in the hopes of providing some semblance of comfort. “I got you, Luke. You’re okay. Just breathe, okay?”

Luke tries. He  _ tries, _ but his chest is too tight and his throat feels like it’s closing up, and he can't find a way to get the air into his lungs. 

“I can’t,” he says.  _ “Shit,  _ Alex, I  _ can’t—” _

“It’s okay,” Alex says, bringing Luke’s head to rest against his chest. “You’re okay. Just—listen to me breathing, okay?”

“In and out,” Alex says, demonstrating with a deep breath so Luke can feel his chest rising and falling. Luke tries to copy him, but the air gets stuck in his throat. 

_ “Alex—” _

“That’s okay,” Alex says. “You’re doing good, Luke. I know it’s hard, but you’re doing good. Just breathe with me. In and out.”

Luke does. 

“You got it,” Alex says softly, still rubbing Luke’s back. “That’s good, Luke, you’re doing good.”

They sit like that for a while, until Luke’s breathing steadies and his sobs taper off. 

“Sorry,” he says tearfully, and Alex shakes his head. 

“Not your fault,” he says. “Shit happens.”

They sit in silence for another few seconds, until—

“Jenny wanted to have sex with me,” Luke says, bringing his legs up to hug his knees. Alex’s eyes go wide. 

“Wow,” he says. “That’s—that’s big. What—”

“I said no,” Luke whispers, tears filling his eyes. “And she didn’t—She got mad.”

Alex’s heart falls. 

“I’m sorry, man,” he says. “I know you really liked her.”

“I don’t want to have sex,” Luke says quietly. 

“That’s fine,” Alex tells him. “We’re still young. We’re not—”

“Ever,” Luke adds, voice shaky. “I don’t want—I don’t want to have sex ever.”

And honestly?  _ Yeah. _ If he views every interaction he’s ever had with Luke, that makes a  _ lot _ of sense. Luke’s crushes have always seemed to Alex like just... puppy love. He sees the girls he likes as pretty and funny and nice and sweet, but never, like,  _ hot  _ or  _ sexy _ or anything like that. 

“That’s okay,” Alex says. “Hey, man, that’s fine. That’s cool.”

“Am I broken?” Luke asks quietly, and Alex’s heart clenches, because  _ God,  _ he’s fucking  _ been there.  _

“God, Luke, no,” he says. “You don’t—no way, man. No way.”

“Jenny doesn't like me anymore,” Luke says. “Will—will anyone ever like me after they find out that I…”

The look on Luke’s face kind of makes Alex want to cry. He’s so fucking  _ sad,  _ so fucking  _ scared,  _ and Alex can barely stand it. 

“If someone’s good enough for you, they won’t care,” he says. 

Luke doesn’t look like he believes it. 

“I’m not gonna say I get it,” Alex tries again, “but you and I… I mean, we’re not the same, but…” he trails off. 

Luke looks at him with big, hopeful eyes, waiting for him to finish his thought. 

“We love differently,” he says. “Differently from other people. And that’s okay.”

“Being gay is  _ something,  _ though,” Luke says. “I don’t—there’s no  _ word _ for what I am.”

“That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you,” Alex tells him. Luke shrugs. 

“C’mere,” Alex says, wrapping him in a hug. Luke hugs back. 

And if, the next day, Alex brings Luke to the queer bookshop on the corner of Harlow and Oak to pore over books until one of them finally comes across the word  _ asexual? _

That’s nobody’s business but their own. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> All mistakes are my own, please let me know if you see any!
> 
> Kudos/Comments are greatly appreciated!


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